All our earth starts from mud and ends in sky,
And Love that was once an animal’s desire,
Then a sweet madness in the rapturous heart,
An ardent comradeship in the happy mind,
Becomes a wide spiritual yearning’s space.
SRI AUROBINDO (In: Savitri, Book 10, Canto 3, p. 632)......
Love is the one emotion worth retaining even when all others have been driven out. Emotions originate in the non-rational part of the mind. Therefore, like the other emotions, love knows no logic. To a mother, her child is the most beautiful child in the world – it does not matter if the child has a cleft lip. The fact that it is her child is reason enough for her to see beauty in the child. To others, it is strange if a rich and beautiful girl is in love with a poor boy who is not even good looking because they see no reason behind the love; love does not need a reason.
Love has many levels. At the lowest level, love is based on the pleasure I get from the object of love. That is the basis of love when a boy and a girl fall in love. Such love lasts only as long as each of them gets pleasure from the other person’s company. Sooner or later, they get tired of each other, and the love disappears. All the intensity and ecstasy of the initial phase of falling in love then becomes the cherished memory of a dream too good to be true. It is because of this tendency of sexual love to degenerate into everything that love should not be that such love is called falling in love. However, any type of love is better than no love at all. Sri Aurobindo has called love the bright link between earth and heaven. Human beings are capable of rising to a level of love much higher than carnal love.
After going through a tumultuous phase of high-voltage love, couples tend to move towards a more human version of love, which is characterized by give and take. The partners achieve an equilibrium in terms of their mutual needs that they fulfill. These needs include money, household chores, running errands, child-rearing, but there also continues the need for love and intimacy. However, the daily routine makes love and intimacy take the back seat, and the couple develops a lurking feeling that love has gone out of their marriage. But that is not true. The passion is gone, but true love is developing silently behind the screen of a busy schedule packed with things to be done for each other, and for the children who are their joint creation and responsibility. This love, which is based on both giving and getting, is human love. Human beings are capable of rising to a still higher rung of love, the level that approaches divine love. Transmutation of love to higher levels involves purification and expansion.
Purification
Purification is achieved by removing from love its major contaminant, the ego. Removal of the ego takes away the concern with what I get from the relationship. The relationship changes to one which is based on what I can give to the object of love. The shift from getting to giving may be precipitated by one of the partners going through a difficult time, and the other partner pitching in to provide all the physical, emotional and moral support needed. Or, the shift may follow when a traumatic event affecting both partners becomes more tolerable as a result of their facing it together. While going through the event, they instinctively forget themselves, and willingly go through difficulties and hardships to make things easier for the partner. In fact, they do not see themselves as separate from the partner. The problem that the partner has is their problem. They work as one unit to handle the problem. While the problem lasts, both of them suffer, but their being together reduces the suffering. When the problem is over, they are both relieved and happy. Their being together enhances their happiness. Thus, the traumatic event brings them really close to each other for the second time in life. In contrast with falling in love, which is based on getting, and the humdrum routine of getting and giving, this phase is characterized by giving. In contrast with falling in love, this phase may be called ‘rising in love’. Couples who stick to each other for decades go through this shift at some stage in their relationship, and it is this shift that keeps them together by choice. Till such a shift has taken place, it may be just a sense of commitment to each other that keeps them together by force.
Expansion
Expansion involves widening the field of love. In case of couples, it often happens with the arrival of children. But there is no reason why the expansion should stop there. We love those with whom we feel related. Therefore, widening of the field of love depends basically upon identifying a broader basis of relationship. Doesn’t matter if we are not related by blood or marriage, at least we are friends. Doesn’t matter if we do not belong to the same state, but we belong to the same country. Doesn’t matter if we do not belong to the same country, what is more important is that we are human beings. Doesn’t matter if we are not human beings, what is more important is that we can feel pain and suffering. Finally, the fact that we all have the Spirit of the same Creator is all we need as the basis of love. That is how human love is transformed into divine love. Divine love is universal: it is not restricted to certain individuals. Divine love is unconditional: it does not require the object of love to fulfill certain conditions to continue receiving our love. Finally, divine love does not expect anything in return. That is the type of love the Divine has for its creation. In the real world, the love that comes very close to divine love is parental love. Parental love is essentially unconditional, and does not expect anything in return, but it is not universal. But it is possible for human beings to transcend the limits of parental love, and express love that is not only unconditional and without any expectations but is also universal. Expressing such divine love is the essence of spiritual perfection.
The Mother has described the progression through rungs of love as follows: “At first one loves only when one is loved. Next, one loves spontaneously, but one wants to be loved in return. Then one loves even if one is not loved, but one still wants one’s love to be accepted. And finally one loves purely and simply, without any other need or joy than that of loving”.
